I’m guilty.

I remember she was injured on the streets,

Howling as hard as a pup can,

She almost died, until I came,

Healed her, gave her a home.

Two months of love and fun,

She was more than a dog, more than a friend,

She was family, she was the meaning.

All of it ended when we had to give her away,

Months of crying and eventually accepting the truth.

She lived far away, without a home, screaming for us

But nobody helped her. She was transferred everywhere.

Soon enough she became a street dog, rough times,

I knew she missed me everyday, lord knows I did too,

Only if I could change something about this, only if…..

Yesterday she passed away, with nobody to help her in time,

Today I mourn the loss of my soul more than hers,

She comes in my mind every minute, with her gloomy eyes

Tilting her head, crying to me.

I know she doesn’t speak my language,

I know she can’t be real,

But I know she’s asking me “Why’d you let me live and kill me too?”

| I’m sorry , I always have been. This is on me and always will be. You deserve to live more than I ever will. Rest in peace cookie, I love you, always|

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Justice.

I’m bad at love

Not the giving, but the receiving

Too much becomes too less eventually uh

Forevers become framed.

There’s nothing here

No rhyme, no time.

Love isn’t an option

Role models aren’t fancy anymore

Fighting fire with fire

Winning hearts with jokes

It’s different, it’s good, is it better?

Driving home in the middle of the night

Man I swear these girls are translucent

Said she love me don’t believe her,

Ego? Excuse, self respect.

Treating myself better than them 5

Acing my shit, making my own crimes

Out at 2am in the middle of nowhere

Being free, healing my scars, watching them

They think they’re right, I smirk with pity

This is my redemption, this is justice.

Change

There was this note on the street the other day on an oddly burnt paper, that I found while walking around. I don’t think it was there by mistake, it was a suicidal note and it sounded serious. It wasn’t meant for anyone specifically, but it seeked a shoulder, so I tried to look around tried to relate, but I couldn’t really identify someone who could have left it there. The Watchman of the society , a young guy who carried his own burdens , on his usual rounds came by and asked me if I was lost, I asked him about the letter and he denied seeing anyone burning or throwing it there. So I just told him that if someone comes looking for this, let them know that I care about them and I’ll hear them out and help them out even if they’re a stranger to me, ask them not to lose hope.

The next day I went back and he told me about this girl, a beautiful one, not from the colony, who came asking for a piece of paper. He said that conveyed my message to her and she started smiling and left. I felt so proud of myself and as I was on my way home, I crossed the spot where I found the first note, and lying there was another, in the middle of the society road, labelled to “my helper” , one more note where she explained all her issues, her hatred for job, her love problems and everything. This time I waited for hours for her to come by to have a conversation but she didn’t, so I had to repeat the scene with the Watchman who was pretty annoyed by all my advices meant for her.

I explained it to him, how she could overcome her issues and I gave him my number just in case she needs someone to listen to her, he didn’t agree to help me out by conveying my advices and messages but I explained how helping her out can save her life. The next day I went in the house, the one outside of which she would leave her notes, and asked them if they ever saw a girl walking by, someone not from the colony and leaving notes outside their house. They said to me that no girls who aren’t a part of the society are allowed to come in here. I ran out and towards the end of the road was the Watchman, looking at me, smiling, crying ,adjusting his cap. He rode away to live the way I adviced him to. I walked home in silence. I don’t have the words..

I thought I was changing someone’s life, turns out, he changed mine.

To the point.

I don’t live anymore, not like I used to. I have a similar thinking process, but I do everything differently, I cared about people and opinions and today I’m sending pictures of the weirdest things to many, many people for fun. Do I like it? Yes. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Do I really do it for myself? No. It’s for them, it’s mostly for them. Everytime someone laughs, smiles or even feels lil relieved from their lives and I know I could help them do that, that’s an achievement.

I’m not very different, I’m not someone who’s gonna go out and cry like I’m the only one with problems, instead I’ll hear them out and solve theirs, atleast do my best to. I fight, I fall, I cry and I lose, just like everybody else. I believe in alternate realities, I don’t believe in God. I believe in good, I think about the bad. I spread love, I invite hate. I bring vibes, I take burdens. But I won’t rub this in the face of them to think I’m the good guy, I’ll do it without acknowledgement and all I care about is that when I’m dead, which won’t be long from now, they’ll come to my grave, all of them.

I don’t want them to remember me by as the good guy or the great guy… Nah. Just the funny guy. It’s all I can take credit for, I’m not a good person completely, I’ve done my share of bad things. I always had my reasons and I’ll keep doing a few. Good people are a myth, it’s just the bad people who hide their darkness and that’s about it. I’ll be on my way tomorrow, working and sharing, hoping that they’ll remember me by, not just a few, all of them.

Much love,

Nobody

The time I made sense.

Right in the middle of the room, a pale stare to the unknown fantasies. “life is a bitch, for sure”. It gave me health and then snatched it way, it gave me love then almost killed me for it, it gave me sadness and rarely took it off. But then I woke up and shook my shoulders, wearing off the grief, for the loss of happiness. Walked out my door seeing my family busy in their own stuff yet smiling at their first glimpse of me, showing signs of serenity. So I took my tea and tried to rethink, is life causing me pain or am I letting it? 

I walked out on the street waiting, got into a ride, a ride through my life. First I saw temptation, unauthentic happiness disguised as the life’s only good things, then I got dizzy while riding through the times when stupidity eroded logic for me to believe in fake things, later down the lane my ride broke down cause that’s all I did too, break down. Then I saw a light flashing at my face, it was the same lie, trying to persuade. As I looked at my past self and shouted at him to not do so, i could see myself walking towards the lies, giving into them.

Months later, I still stop myself and each day I give in, give in to a lie. A lie called love. A lie called forever and a lie called promise. So when the ride came to a halt and reality was ahead, I still saw a light flashing at me, it was the same lie, flashing green, and damn I was pulled towards it. But as the bruises tore up and as my soul screamed for mercy, my mind begged for peace and my heart surrendered to be in one piece, I took a second, blinked my eye and I could see the green turn to red. I walked into a fire too many times to walk in again and I ran away from the reality too many times to risk running again.

So I opened my eyes to my cup of tea, looked at a message on my phone and smiled to ignore, thinking of only one thing all the while “Not this time”  

And that’s when I realised, even though I was always trying to make sense, this is the day I actually did. 

Sometimes we have to forget what we feel, only to remember what we deserve.

Insecure.

You were the waves and I was a boy in hustle,

You stormed on the beach of love, destroying my sand castle.

You came over my happy land, swarmed all over,

Destroyed my home of memories, went back over.

Now in the ocean, you act like you’re blameless,

Took all my dreams in brief, but you left nameless.

But what did this little kid ever cause to your vast powers,

I was trying to be warm, then you came with cold showers.

I loved you more deeply than your ocean profundity,

Did you just fake all that glory in exchange for shooing pity?

Because no that’s not a smile bringer, fake,

That brings down the ocean glory to lesser than a lake.

A mistake is forgivable, a thousand of them are,

But all of them together, can take insecurities too far.

You promised to handle them, you thought it facile,

It was always complicated but even more fragile.

And as I saw you running in a cold night’s band,

I wondered if you’d let me be your warm hand.

As I asked you to sleep, to inform me you’re alright, 

Cause without it, I can’t sleep myself all night.

But did you understand or did you argue?

You said you’d change, where is that new?

Oh you’re still in the atmosphere of dirt,

And you expect me not to be hurt.

Trust and love to be cent, betrayal nil.

That’s the only currency that pays my heart’s bill.

You cheated on my trust a lot, and told sorry,

You should have stopped, and so would he.

But after all the trust was left to rotten,

Not doing it for a while, talk like it’s forgotten.

Yes you broke my sandcastle, yes I chose to build it again,

Doesn’t mean this time I won’t try to shelter it from pain.

I wasn’t scared at first but you showed so many sides,

But you blame it on me for being scared of your tides.

And as I set out to build it differently, take it further,

I saw your rogue waves come at me, prepared to murder.

Didn’t you?

“Jay, you and me both like her, what do we do?”

“Ram, I think I deserve her a little bit more than you.”

They fought all night, bruised too much,

The essence of a woman, felt as such.

She chose her friend Jay, even over  Ram,

Something to him, could never keep him calm.

Jay tried talking to Ram, tried to pass maturity,

But he touched him, like water to electricity.

Years passed, Ram tried proving his love to her never stopped,

Each new method and none ever flopped.

They broke up, Ram started to smile,

In the world of chaos, he finally sought a peaceful isle.

After he proposed to her, after Ram got married,

To the siblings house, his wife he carried.

Out in the balcony, stood Jay drinking,

What once survived storms, now started sinking.

“Ram, a woman like her are only blessed to a few”

“Jay, you left her on purpose, didn’t you?”